My friend Rani.

This week I turn 35. I have felt a sadness come over me at this particular birthday. I dont really want to celebrate it this year. Not simply because I feel ancient beside my darling 26 year old husband. But because this year , I cant pick up the phone and talk about my birthday with one of my dear friends , Rani. Every year when we have our birthday we relate to familiar things that make it special. Well she made it special. We would share about were we had come in life. She would discuss her difficult abusive marriage and how she was almost finishing nursing. She would tell me about all the learning projects she had on the go for her little girl and about all the activities that she was in. Now that she is gone and things have settled down somewhat, her husband no longer takes my calls and the only way I have to contact her precious little girl is through sending cards. I suppose I could show up at their door , but what would I say. I feel robbed of a special thing in my life. That took many years of nurturing and love. As I think of the burdens of raising a family and trying to tippy toe through the things you feel you should provide for your children. I think of my friend who had it all , a husband, a lovely home, 2 great careers and a beautiful healthy daughter. But the lack of a moral structure in their life and a husband who couldnt control his boyish temper and who was running away from God. Led to the unimaginable. A complete breakdown of family life and her slow descent into a place that finally finished her. As I reminded that I am yet another year older. I will try not to question so much as to why God has brought me down this path. Why opportunites have passed us by and as to why things sometimes dont make sense. I am so thankful for family and friends for new friends and renewed friendships. Forgiveness and a maturing as I have felt God carving and refining me of late. I must be pretty special to him for him to spend so much time and care on my footsteps. I also am saddened by our loss of a second child almost a year ago. The traumatic events and the things that insued have changed me forever. And as I had promised myself that I would never have a child past 35. (Something passed on from my mother)I am concious of this adamant statement and my torn feelings as to longing for another child. And perhaps accepting that health wise, I will have to walk another path and to not have another and to put my all into my 2 beautiful children that I now know were perfectly timed. If we had waited ....well.

Well, after praying for a long time. We were blessed to receive a car this weekend. This will be a secondary car that is much needed. The extra costs to insure and upkeep it will be a bit more of a burden. but we see this as an answer to prayer. I have felt so unthankful as well. As if I have become so jaded to having to manage with just what we have. This vehicle should allow me to have more freedom to take the children to activites and such. Being a stay at home mother has its drawbacks especially if you are homebound. So now, I can start looking into some physical activities for Aidan especially. We wrestled tonight Aidan and I and later Mary joined in like a monkey on my back. My body was groaning in protest as they jumped on me and wrestled me to the ground. But their cries of delight as they managed to roll me over and pin me down were a reward in itself. Aidan can completely overpower me at 5 years old and 70 pounds. I can also feel my left collar bone twinge as I put weight on an old fracture or tendon tear.
Aidan..some thoughts ...seeing as he takes some maintenance...
Anyway I would love to get Aidan into something physical other than running out across the back mile and playing in the playground. A mother today had to ask me twice exactly how old is your son. Seeins as I introduced him as "This is Aidan hes 5" She did a double take, asked if he was turning 6 any day now and just stared at him for a while while he played to let the facts settle. This is a conversation that I have over and over again with every new person who meets him. My instinct is too protect my child from being judged or oggled. To make matters more interesting, my child is an active ,loud joker . Sociable and fearless of those children who are older and bigger. He lopes around the playground, joyful, innocent and like a bull in a china shop. Tripping over himself and trying to fit himself into places now to small for him to fit. I wonder as I look at this beautiful unique child I have been blessed with. What will he do when he grows up? Who will he be? What is this big frame and loud joyful personality supposed to deliver to the world? I know that every night at dinner that he asks to pray and that he takes his new bible very seriously. He is also Mr National Geographic , spouting out interesting obscure facts now and again. Then my Mary , well Ill reserve her for another day and all the things that make her special. Like her Banshee cry that very effectively wards off those upsetting her. From the sea must be my little Irish Mary, I say. We will have to wait and see.

New album:Glorify

I have had the pleasure to work on this album managed and produced by the talented Ashley Milne. He encouraged and brought the best in all of us. I enjoyed singing a song and was able to realize my long time dream of singing on an album. The actual recording of the music though was alot more difficult than one would imagine and required hints and help from those more experienced such as Ashley. All those involved had some wonderful suggestions and lent there individual talents to create many varieties and styles of songs. The harmonizing and singing together were some of the best times we spent together. Ill try to get a pic of the album and maybe the song if possible.....Ill see what my hubby the IT guy can do for me............

I finally figured out how to get back in here.

Now that the right passwords have come to mind you may hear more from me......

Even though Jeff and I were given artsy inclinations by our maker. We try not to overly push, just the arts , moderation is good. But I know Jeff would be so proud of this. During his quiet time Aidan decided to create a masterpiece. Every once in a while he comes up with something really appealing to the eye.

I, wanting to be the encouraging mother said , wow, Aidan I love your work. He grinned, and said. "Yes, this is my masterpiece." I dont know where he got that word from. It was very cute. Hes always saying things like. Hey, they are on our tail. I couldn't figure out where he learnt that ,until the other day I caught myself saying it. Hmm, little sponges:)

My Dear Auntie Pat

Today, early, we found out that my Auntie Pat, my father's sister had suddenly died of an aneurism. She was found in her home. They tried to operate but she passed early this morning. Pat was a quiet, soft, spoken, gentle person. Was well spoken of and practical as well as having many other qualities, I might not say at this time. She is survived by her 2 children David and his sister Angela. My first cousins.
They have spouses and children.
Pat lived in the village of Kirdford Sussex for most of her life. - England
Pat will be missed . Especially hard hit is my father who was very close to her. Dad is going to England on Sunday. Pat's husband Mick passed away in the last few years of cancer so it leaves her children alone now. At 58 Pat was too young to go. We will miss her. It is at these times that I want to go home to England . Dad will be leaving on Sunday night. David will pick him up at the airport. He will stay with David and Sarah the first night , and on Tuesday with his sister Lynne, in Horsham. The rest of the week he will be staying with Pete and Pat in Woking. Dan and Sue will want to visit Im sure.

Age,and the relevancy of life.

Its been a few days. I guess I got busy for a while there. Keeping the kids occupied.

I had this thought this morning about something that happened to us when we were out. The kids and I that is.

So, There we are Aidan ,Mary and I sitting on a bench in the mall relaxing and taking a moment before continueing on. Aidan is an exceeding friendly boy. He greets anybody he can greet. We have discussions on why some people respond and why some people dont'. I have chosen to tell him that some people know how to, others are shy. He told me the other day, after a local boy had ignored his greeting for about the fourth time. "Im teaching them mom." I was so proud of his childlike reaction. Unbiased by preconcieved ideas and biases.

Back to the story at hand though.

So this nice grey haired spry looking lady sits down next to Aidan. He immediately struck up a conversation with her. She asked how old he was and he said ummmm, two? I dont know why he says that when he knows how old he is, but thats OK , hes only four. So, she says ,are you sure your only two ? I leaned over and together we came up with the figure four. Oh ,she said and made a nice comment about how she would like to be that age.. The lady then got up off the bench and again I say, very spryly walked off. As she got a couple feet away she turned back and said. Young man you may be four but I have a nine in front of that. She smiled and trotted off bags in hand. I said, whats your secret to as she left, but she missed it. I turned to my son and said. Aidan. you were just talking to a 94 year old, that was very special. Of course he had no idea what mom was so flabbergasted about. Oh, the things you can learn sitting on a bench in the mall watching the people go by.