My friend Rani.

This week I turn 35. I have felt a sadness come over me at this particular birthday. I dont really want to celebrate it this year. Not simply because I feel ancient beside my darling 26 year old husband. But because this year , I cant pick up the phone and talk about my birthday with one of my dear friends , Rani. Every year when we have our birthday we relate to familiar things that make it special. Well she made it special. We would share about were we had come in life. She would discuss her difficult abusive marriage and how she was almost finishing nursing. She would tell me about all the learning projects she had on the go for her little girl and about all the activities that she was in. Now that she is gone and things have settled down somewhat, her husband no longer takes my calls and the only way I have to contact her precious little girl is through sending cards. I suppose I could show up at their door , but what would I say. I feel robbed of a special thing in my life. That took many years of nurturing and love. As I think of the burdens of raising a family and trying to tippy toe through the things you feel you should provide for your children. I think of my friend who had it all , a husband, a lovely home, 2 great careers and a beautiful healthy daughter. But the lack of a moral structure in their life and a husband who couldnt control his boyish temper and who was running away from God. Led to the unimaginable. A complete breakdown of family life and her slow descent into a place that finally finished her. As I reminded that I am yet another year older. I will try not to question so much as to why God has brought me down this path. Why opportunites have passed us by and as to why things sometimes dont make sense. I am so thankful for family and friends for new friends and renewed friendships. Forgiveness and a maturing as I have felt God carving and refining me of late. I must be pretty special to him for him to spend so much time and care on my footsteps. I also am saddened by our loss of a second child almost a year ago. The traumatic events and the things that insued have changed me forever. And as I had promised myself that I would never have a child past 35. (Something passed on from my mother)I am concious of this adamant statement and my torn feelings as to longing for another child. And perhaps accepting that health wise, I will have to walk another path and to not have another and to put my all into my 2 beautiful children that I now know were perfectly timed. If we had waited ....well.