My friend Rani.

This week I turn 35. I have felt a sadness come over me at this particular birthday. I dont really want to celebrate it this year. Not simply because I feel ancient beside my darling 26 year old husband. But because this year , I cant pick up the phone and talk about my birthday with one of my dear friends , Rani. Every year when we have our birthday we relate to familiar things that make it special. Well she made it special. We would share about were we had come in life. She would discuss her difficult abusive marriage and how she was almost finishing nursing. She would tell me about all the learning projects she had on the go for her little girl and about all the activities that she was in. Now that she is gone and things have settled down somewhat, her husband no longer takes my calls and the only way I have to contact her precious little girl is through sending cards. I suppose I could show up at their door , but what would I say. I feel robbed of a special thing in my life. That took many years of nurturing and love. As I think of the burdens of raising a family and trying to tippy toe through the things you feel you should provide for your children. I think of my friend who had it all , a husband, a lovely home, 2 great careers and a beautiful healthy daughter. But the lack of a moral structure in their life and a husband who couldnt control his boyish temper and who was running away from God. Led to the unimaginable. A complete breakdown of family life and her slow descent into a place that finally finished her. As I reminded that I am yet another year older. I will try not to question so much as to why God has brought me down this path. Why opportunites have passed us by and as to why things sometimes dont make sense. I am so thankful for family and friends for new friends and renewed friendships. Forgiveness and a maturing as I have felt God carving and refining me of late. I must be pretty special to him for him to spend so much time and care on my footsteps. I also am saddened by our loss of a second child almost a year ago. The traumatic events and the things that insued have changed me forever. And as I had promised myself that I would never have a child past 35. (Something passed on from my mother)I am concious of this adamant statement and my torn feelings as to longing for another child. And perhaps accepting that health wise, I will have to walk another path and to not have another and to put my all into my 2 beautiful children that I now know were perfectly timed. If we had waited ....well.

Well, after praying for a long time. We were blessed to receive a car this weekend. This will be a secondary car that is much needed. The extra costs to insure and upkeep it will be a bit more of a burden. but we see this as an answer to prayer. I have felt so unthankful as well. As if I have become so jaded to having to manage with just what we have. This vehicle should allow me to have more freedom to take the children to activites and such. Being a stay at home mother has its drawbacks especially if you are homebound. So now, I can start looking into some physical activities for Aidan especially. We wrestled tonight Aidan and I and later Mary joined in like a monkey on my back. My body was groaning in protest as they jumped on me and wrestled me to the ground. But their cries of delight as they managed to roll me over and pin me down were a reward in itself. Aidan can completely overpower me at 5 years old and 70 pounds. I can also feel my left collar bone twinge as I put weight on an old fracture or tendon tear.
Aidan..some thoughts ...seeing as he takes some maintenance...
Anyway I would love to get Aidan into something physical other than running out across the back mile and playing in the playground. A mother today had to ask me twice exactly how old is your son. Seeins as I introduced him as "This is Aidan hes 5" She did a double take, asked if he was turning 6 any day now and just stared at him for a while while he played to let the facts settle. This is a conversation that I have over and over again with every new person who meets him. My instinct is too protect my child from being judged or oggled. To make matters more interesting, my child is an active ,loud joker . Sociable and fearless of those children who are older and bigger. He lopes around the playground, joyful, innocent and like a bull in a china shop. Tripping over himself and trying to fit himself into places now to small for him to fit. I wonder as I look at this beautiful unique child I have been blessed with. What will he do when he grows up? Who will he be? What is this big frame and loud joyful personality supposed to deliver to the world? I know that every night at dinner that he asks to pray and that he takes his new bible very seriously. He is also Mr National Geographic , spouting out interesting obscure facts now and again. Then my Mary , well Ill reserve her for another day and all the things that make her special. Like her Banshee cry that very effectively wards off those upsetting her. From the sea must be my little Irish Mary, I say. We will have to wait and see.